Confess The Mess with Johnny and Jess
An authentic and humorous take on Faith, Family, and life.
Confess The Mess with Johnny and Jess
🎙️S3: Ep.4- Stitching Together the Fabric of a Strong Marriage
Navigating the push and pull of feeling heard versus truly being listened to can feel like trekking through a labyrinth, and in this episode, my husband and I share our tales from the trenches. From the curious case of Johnny's adventurous impulses bouncing off my methodical mindset, to the rich tapestry of perseverance and daily commitment stitched into our marriage, we're not shying away from the laughter and the lessons. Plus, we're serving up a side of whimsy with tales of peculiar wedding traditions from across the globe, for a peek into the diverse ways love is celebrated.
But what about those times when communication feels as though it's hanging by a thread? We're here to hand you the spool, sharing strategies that bridge gaps and reinforce connections. Whether it's managing conflicts with finesse or the delicate dance of long-distance love, we pour out our hearts and hard-earned wisdom. As we prepare for a short beach getaway, we leave you with a reminder: marriage is about nurturing fun and fostering growth together – and that's precisely what we aim to inspire with every word we share.
Contact us: confessthemesswithjj@gmail.com
Hello and happy evening to all of my podcast listeners.
Speaker 2:What's up? Confess the Mess Nation.
Speaker 1:I'm not like a radio disc jockey, so we have to ask the people that are listening right now for the record. He was so serious, okay. So the people listening right now if we were to create a shirt that said Conf, confess the mess nation, would you wear the shirt? So just if you're a faithful listener, please email us at the end of this episode and tell us if you actually would, because this is not the first time that my husband has used that verb.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to get this.
Speaker 1:I think he wants it to be like bachelor nation.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to make this a thing. I'm really working hard. I figure if I say it enough it will be a thing I'm really working hard.
Speaker 1:I figure, if I say it enough, it will be a thing. You're going to speak it into existence. Dude, we're going for it. Manifest it, baby.
Speaker 2:Manifest it Like to manifest a higher salary.
Speaker 1:Manifest a second car Six figures Living on a beach. Okay, hi guys.
Speaker 2:Anyway, happy evening, or daytime or morning time, or whenever it is it has dawned on me that our show is called Confess the Mess with Johnny and Jess, and it's been a while since we've confessed the mess. So you know what? We're going to air Dirty Laundry. Oh man, we're airing Dirty Laundry On the line with, like, the little hooks and everything, 100% Underwear and all. So we're going to do a deep dive into marriage and some questions that we've been asked before and some things that we've pondered. So we're going to talk about three questions that maybe have been on your mind. Maybe you're thinking through that in relationship and this can be in marriages boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship in general like how do you communicate and how do you deal with relationships?
Speaker 1:But we're going to come at it through the lens of a married couple.
Speaker 2:Yes, correct Is that kind of the direction, cause that's what we are, that's the direction we're going to take here.
Speaker 2:So here's the dirty laundry and it's kind of funny now. It wasn't funny then. So a few days ago, a few days ago, my wife and I were having a conversation and I'm cleaning the bathroom and we're having this conversation and you know it's a serious conversation and it's not my specialty Anybody who's ever met me or knows me. So I made the fatal error gentlemen, don't ever do what I did. I smiled during the serious conversation.
Speaker 1:Well, actually the serious conversation did not happen in the bathroom.
Speaker 2:No, no, no no.
Speaker 1:It happened in the kitchen, not the bathroom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I was coming back and forth from the bathroom.
Speaker 1:You were from scrubbing the shower. I was intercepted. Get yourself a man to scrub showers, ladies.
Speaker 2:I was intercepted mid-cleanup. Okay, so here's what happened.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to give give you the gory details of what our conversation was in regards to moving out of our apartment, but, but but I mean, it was a financial conversation. It was financial so and we'll get.
Speaker 2:We'll touch on that here soon but, so we're having this conversation that turns into more than that. I wouldn't call it a heated exchange but things got hot, I was pretty. I was pretty irritated. Jess Jess, jess was pretty irritated. So so here's what happened. This thing happens when I'm uncomfortable or in the middle of like intense conflict sometimes not all the time, but sometimes where I have this uncontrollable thing, where he's no, it's called like.
Speaker 1:I'm going to start smiling with my eyeballs and it's like this is like. The look on his face of this is humorous, right, like this conversation we're having as adults about our life is humorous. Now to my 44 year old husband.
Speaker 2:So and the more, the more, Jessica, the more upset.
Speaker 1:I was getting the funnier. He thought it was you guys. I was laying all kinds of left and right hooks verbally at this guy. Like I was. Like I'm going to have to come and repent back. I I mean to the point where I had to come to Johnny afterwards. I had to ask for forgiveness. I was so PO, did him I.
Speaker 2:I wasn't intentionally nothing, okay, nothing about the self-control spirit was out of the building. The literal spirit was out of the building. Nothing was funny about said conversation, but I could not control this reflex I had where this? It was almost a smirk when I'm trying to suppress it.
Speaker 1:And the further we got into conversation, it turned out it got to the point where I kicked him out. I laughed. I said you go to the room, Go to the room and you keep scrubbing that shower, bro. I laughed out loud during our Because it was getting nowhere, I was so frustrated. And then, to top it off okay, I'm words of affirmation this guy's physical touch. He had the audacity, y'all, to come back into the kitchen and try to touch me. That was my I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I'm like I looked at him. I said we're not ready for hugs, girl. I'm sorry, I'm like I looked at him.
Speaker 2:I said we're not ready for hugs, girl. I'm sorry girl, we are not hugging. Hug me, hug it out.
Speaker 1:So funny story, johnny and I have been together for 16 years and this is only the second time in our whole relationship that he's ever done this. I don't remember the other one, but I remember it. It happened.
Speaker 2:And I don't know if Nothing about the conversation was funny.
Speaker 1:Yet here I was laughing and she was so mad. Y'all yeah, but why do I get mad?
Speaker 2:Because your biggest pet peeve is not being heard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because people can hear but they're not listening. Those are two different things. Like you can hear somebody speaking but you're not listening to what's happening. And a lot of the time people are listening-ish to just speak in return, right, so they're not really listening to what you're saying because they just want to talk. So that's happened to me a lot in my past growing up friends, past relationships. So I have this like I don't want to use this word trigger.
Speaker 2:No, not the word trigger.
Speaker 1:So it was triggering because, like it was this intense topic right, well, to me it felt very intense and you also have to remember like Johnny and I couldn't be like cut from two different cloths anymore. Okay, if you know us, you love us. If you.
Speaker 2:Or maybe you don't. You either love us or you do not like. Don't love you, either love us, you do. There's no.
Speaker 1:There's no there's no gray, it's black or white for real. But like johnny is so, fly off the edge of the seat like 30 000 feet in the sky, like like jumping out of airplanes, and I'm like wearing a safety suit, standing on the ground checking boxes off off, like we're very different, and so this conversation really hinged around the kind of more my side Like it was more like on the ground checking boxes off, and he was up like like taking like I don't even know, like like lighting off fireworks as he jumps out of an airplane.
Speaker 2:Like he was, you know, and as much fun as that sounds, and some some of you women out there like this guy must be a nightmare. All right, Maybe that's true, All right, but but I I wasn't trying to hurt feelings or make you feel unseen or anything like that. The reality is I was listening and we were having this intense conversation. I could not control it. I wanted to so badly, I didn't. I didn't find it humorous. I'm like why? But?
Speaker 1:we? I didn't find it humorous. I'm like why am I laughing? Is he going to do that again?
Speaker 2:Probably not. I can't, I don't think you will I think we kind of had a breakthrough there. If I do.
Speaker 1:I think you really saw how frustrated you made your wife.
Speaker 2:If I do confess, the mess nation will know about it. Yeah, that's right, confess the mess nation.
Speaker 1:Come on. But you know what, thank for his grace and forgiveness and honestly, it's whatever If this is the one thing that my husband is super immature about, or many of like, there's a few things. But you know, I love him, I do, I love him and I forgave him, but in the moment it was heated, I said things. She did say things. I said some mean things.
Speaker 1:Feelings were damaged and the funny part is and I'll be really honest with you and, like you, things, feelings were damaged. And the funny part is, and I'll be really honest with you and you can pass judgment if you want to, I don't really care. We actually have a really healthy marriage.
Speaker 2:We communicate, we are pretty solid, we don't argue usually, and that's come from lots and lots of years of work and pain and practice and arguing and discipline and discipline. It's an art and know we'll kind of talk about that here in a few minutes, but but it is something that you actually have to work on to be good at.
Speaker 1:So you also have to fail at something. To get better at it, you do have to fail.
Speaker 2:You have to learn right. You learn from mistakes and we've made a million mistakes along the way. The reason why we're here having this conversation with you now is because we persevered. Yeah, we choose each other every day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and God's grace, you just don't throw the towel in. We just don't throw the towel in man.
Speaker 2:Before we get into these three questions.
Speaker 1:I found some interesting traditions about weddings and marriage. I never know what you're going to do. No one does, I don't even know. Let's go dude.
Speaker 2:So some of these are kind of humorous. Some of these are like, well, not cool, but these are. I came across a million of them. Here's four that I thought were kind of interesting, tradition-wise, about marriages and weddings, weddings in particular. So those of you that have gone through a marriage, that are married, maybe you'll look at these and find these kind of humorous. So the first one in ancient Rome and China, it was believed that rivals or evil spirits would attempt to kidnap the bride. So dressing your bridesmaids in similar attire confuse the spirits and save the bride. And then later on, many cultures required many witnesses for legal purposes. So bridesmaids all dress alike, and back in earlier times they dressed almost identical to the bride, that's weird, they wouldn't have that.
Speaker 2:So if there was a kidnapper, like a rival tribe or something, they'd maybe snatch the wrong chick, and now she's later. Bye karen. You're stuck with that tribe now, later felicia. Bye felicia. I found that to be interesting. That's weird. Thankfully that tradition. Well, at least here in america you don't see a lot of american brides being.
Speaker 1:Some people are like you can't even wear that color, like you're not allowed to wear that color at my wedding.
Speaker 2:Wear white at my wedding and you die.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you come in and you wear white, you are going to be kicked out immediately.
Speaker 2:There are certain brides that shouldn't have worn white at all, though. Oh, that was one of them, sorry, no filter. The second one. The second one the original translation of the word bride. Any guesses? Say that again. All right, so the original translation of the word bride.
Speaker 1:Any guesses? Say that again.
Speaker 2:All right, so the original translation of the word bride. Do you have any guesses?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Okay, the original translation in Proto-Germanic means cook.
Speaker 1:Oh, that couldn't be more sexist.
Speaker 2:So the actual meaning of the word bride was cook, and I think that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 1:Not even a chef.
Speaker 2:If they would have added clean to that. I think we're on to something here A clean cook. I thought that was funny. I like to cook, so I know you do.
Speaker 1:Guess, I'm a bride and I used to not even know how to cook, so kudos to me for learning over the years 's one for for you ladies that, uh, you know, really just keep up with your grooming type stuff.
Speaker 2:Here we go. In ancient china, eyebrows are considered highly attractive, causing the practice of shaving the bride's eyebrows so that other men don't become enamored.
Speaker 1:My wife, I didn't know where you were going. When you said grooming, I was like where is he going with this?
Speaker 2:My wife is so hot. Those eyebrows have got to go, because other men are just looking at you too long.
Speaker 1:Your eyebrows are pretty intense.
Speaker 2:man, I've got thick eyebrows. I'm going to be that old guy that was growing into my eyeballs. That's how.
Speaker 1:I know when I need to cut Johnny's hair, I'll be looking over at him. It's one of the two things Either the nose hair is growing into a whole other direction of the world or all of a sudden I'll look over and I'm like is that his eyebrow or his eyelash? Because they go together and even I can't tell the difference.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's time for a haircut, I turn into a werewolf. Here's the last one, and it's my favorite one, and I believe they still do this in Greece, oh man. So if you're in Greece listening I'd love for confirmation just email us and let me know that this is still taking place at weddings, at Greek weddings. In Greek tradition, it is believed that by spitting on the bride, one can ward off evil spirits. This may sound strange to many, but in Greece it is seen as a way to bring good luck to the newlyweds. Can you imagine? So it's not just your husband, it's all the people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're just so people just in general, it's Hawk and Loogie On the bride, though that's the lucky one, like we're aiming for Right in the hair.
Speaker 1:That is so disgusting it's good, good luck. That's disgusting. I'm out I don't need luck.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I got Jesus Grief people. Please let me know if that's true. Yeah, I found some other weird ones that we won't even touch with a 10-foot pole. That's already weird enough. Thank you, sir. Thanks for going there, honey.
Speaker 1:We've gone too far as is that should be the name of our podcast. We're going there. The Too Far Podcast. Actually, that is one already. Actually, that is one already. That's uh, what's her bucket? She's got the twin um hold on. I'm just I'm gonna look real quick. Okay, she's a great podcaster here. If you need somebody else to listen to, and it is, we're going there with bianca oltoff oh, there you go, she's uh, we're going there. She's a good. That's another great podcast we're going there.
Speaker 2:okay, all right. So we're going to tackle three questions, three questions that we're going to kind of, you know, use our own life experience, not that we're perfect, not that we have all the answers.
Speaker 1:I think they already know that by listening Even if this is their first time ever listening to our episode they've already found out that we're not perfect. So glad you know. I wasn't allowed to wear white at my wedding and I did it anyways, Okay.
Speaker 2:Boom goes. Okay, here we go. Not everybody, you know. We came to know geez a little later in life. Okay, all right. So we're hoping to use our life experience and maybe maybe you're a newlywed couple or maybe you're a couple that's just been having some issues trying to tackle some of these questions, yeah, um, and maybe we might not have all the answers, but maybe something we say or something we've done in the past can can be helpful to you and be an encouragement to you. So the first question that we're going to pose is what are the most common problems that couples face in their relationships and how can they work through them? So what are some common problems that couples may be facing right now in their relationship?
Speaker 1:Communication.
Speaker 2:Communication. That's one Communication. Why do you think that we struggle so much in our marriages and our relationships to communicate well?
Speaker 1:I think that we live in a world that shames people for a lot of things but also, like, elevates things that shouldn't be elevated, and I just think, somewhere along the way, we just don't know how to express how we truly feel. We're a behind the scenes, behind the phone world where we can do and say what we want, that we almost forgot how to communicate correctly. I don't know.
Speaker 2:So you pride yourself on being a good communicator.
Speaker 1:Almost overly communicating.
Speaker 2:Right, so, so, okay. So what do you think the key is then? To to good communication, because you're somebody who who does communicate frequently and and about how you're feeling often, so so what? Makes that? What makes that? What's the positives of that?
Speaker 1:Positives of communication. Well, they're everything. I mean you can learn from the situation, like if something feels wrong and I need to talk to you about it, and I talk to you about it. You may have not realized that what was bothering me was actually bothering me. Maybe you thought I loved it that happens but I did, but I didn't, I didn't love it, and then it, you know, maybe I actually opposite that, maybe it made me uncomfortable, or you know what I'm saying, Like.
Speaker 1:Or you know, I mean, I don't even know any specific example of that. I mean I can't really. You know, like, whenever something bothers me, I just talk to you about it, because I I didn't really have that growing up.
Speaker 2:Right, I want to talk about everything now, yeah and jessica is an extremely honest person, like like she. I wouldn't even say it's to a fault, I think you just if she feels something, she has to speak it and say it, and we're gonna say it now, even if it hurts.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, like for but and also internally, like I I'm it's not always outward right Like I like, if I ever have to come with Johnny and it usually happens when we're on a long road trip and we're alone I kind of like start to tell him about the things that I kind of work, want to work on in our marriage.
Speaker 2:Now we're trapped.
Speaker 1:AKA the things he needs to fix, we're trapped on the road trip. But no, like you have to admit that if I ever bring something up to you where I'm like babe, I really think this is something we need to work on in our marriage, or this is an area that we're kind of lacking in, and then I always turn around and say, listen, these are the things I can work on too. Like I never, ever say here's the list of your problems, babe, and then I'm going to sit on my high horse over here.
Speaker 1:I always say like but these are things I know I need to fix and I think, and I think there's something really wonderful about that. In the moment it's not always wonderful, right?
Speaker 2:I think you're also a long processor I need to meet it, and Jess and I communicate very, very differently. I am, it does. I am a processor, I am an extrovert by nature and I love to have conversation, but when we're talking about something important or deep, or when we're talking about, hey, I, you should be doing this better. I can be doing this better, I need to. I need a few moments to process that. Um, I'm not a quick response person when it comes to that, so we've had to learn our communication skills a little bit. Jessica gives me the space to process now.
Speaker 1:I do and I think, I think also, though I think that if you, I think that being able to process faster is also a part of great communication, I think because growing up you didn't really, uh, communicate like parents didn't communicate with you. You didn't communicate with parents, you know, throughout your relationships in your life there wasn't a lot of communication. So I think that the more you communicate and the more you actually prioritize that in general like not just you, but people in general that you can process your emotions faster and you can process what's happening faster.
Speaker 2:And it's practice, right? It's just like, because I don't think you're always going to be a processor.
Speaker 1:I don't think that. I think that. I think that as you start to learn and you can pray or develop that God would show you how to be a better communicator with your feelings. Then you can. Probably it wouldn't be one of those where I need to go back and I need to sit on this one. It'd be like no, you're right or no, I don't. I don't believe you're right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and, and and. When we talk about processing, you know it's it's not like Jessica said something to me and I'm like I need to take a couple of days before I respond. There's response.
Speaker 2:It takes a few minutes or even, you know, I may not have the answer, or the fix or I might have a response that is going to live up to the expectation in the moment, and sometimes it takes longer for me to develop the right thing to say or how, how I even feel about what was said. So I think that's important. Communication is really important because most likely your spouse has a different communication style than you.
Speaker 1:And also in the in the area of communication, I'm learning that it is very important, even though you are a physical touch, love like that's your love language. Like acknowledge, like ladies, I'm going to talk to you for a minute like acknowledging that if your spouse or your partner, like your boyfriend or whatever, does something like girl, we know when they're like stepping out and doing something that they don't normally do, like you can tell that they're trying to do something. We need to acknowledge that and we need to verbally acknowledge that to them. We need to communicate to them like babe, thank you so much for doing that.
Speaker 1:I saw that you did X, y and Z and that meant so much to me. Like, I'm just in awe. Like thank you. Like tell them that you notice what they did, because I think sometimes communication is also bad communication, where we can communicate badly because I'm going to give you things that you suck at and the things that you're doing wrong, but I'm never going to give you positive reinforcement through communication. Correct, you need to be able to do both because we can't get better. But it's all about your, the way you present it. Like I you know, when we went down to Savannah for a pastor's conference back in February. It was an opportunity for us to kind of inwardly talk about some things we need to work on in our marriage, like date nights and prioritizing and all the things.
Speaker 2:And there will always be things that you need to work on, and we always should be wanting to change, if you ever think that you've arrived in your marriage.
Speaker 1:You're a liar. I don't care if you've been walking with Jesus for 60 years and you have this amazing marriage and grandbabies and great grandbabies. You can even ask those people. Probably more likely they would say we're still a work in progress, because you have to choose each other every day, multiple times a day, all the time, and it's in communication. And what's beautiful about communication is exactly what the Lord wants for us in relationship with Him. As we have to communicate, we come to the Lord with our requests and our prayers and our words and our praises to Him and we give them our communication. Like it's not just enough to just sit there and read the Bible verbally out loud. Speak the things that you're asking the father Don't like. I like to journal and sometimes I'm like I have to say this out loud. I can't just write it in a piece of paper. It needs to be brought out into the world. So but yeah, I know I went all over there because I have ADD.
Speaker 2:So we just covered like 75 grams Now. Firstly, man, you should be stepping out and trying to do things for your lady. We should all be better on that front. I think that, guys, we get comfortable really quickly and easily.
Speaker 1:You're easier to what's it called To please.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it doesn't take much. And, on that note, ladies, when communicating with us and this is probably I don't think this is a generalization, I think this is probably true of men in general the thing that gets us the most is respect and appreciation. I think that those things, if you love us and respect us and appreciate the gestures's, honestly, that's that's really the world to to most of us. Yeah, um, you know, and then we should be treating our, our girls like, like princesses or queens, like we should be. I'm a queen we should.
Speaker 1:I know you are. We got three princess.
Speaker 2:Your girl's a queen somebody out there might be a princess right now, all day, but I think just you have to know, you have to take time to know one another and how you communicate. And that takes a little time to figure out and it takes some soul searching.
Speaker 2:It takes communicating with one another about how you communicate you can't communicate if you don't care Right, and I've always been kind of a bad communicator and I've gotten a lot better because I care about. I pry it out of you, you do, but I care. I care about. I pry it out of you, you do, but I care. I care about you and I love you and I want you to feel heard and all that stuff and I want to hear you.
Speaker 1:I want to know you more, and you also need to want to have yourself be heard.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like because not just what I have to say matters, but what you feel matters, yeah, and I don't know, like not just you, but like other people probably weren't told that when they were being brought up Like what you have to say matters, like your feelings are validated, you know, and I think that that needs to be communicated also. Yeah, so, yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's you know. We probably could have named off 10 different things honestly with that question as far as common problems that couples face. But I think communication is key. I think because we could have said finances, we could have said sex, we could have said any number of things, but communication if you start a communication there's other things like. It starts to affect those other things in a positive way when you communicate well. So I think when you said communication, that really hits the nail on the head, probably for most married couples, like man we need to be better about this.
Speaker 1:Well, and a lot of the times when you see marriages that like okay, so Johnny and I have a really big heart for marriage. Marriage ministry is it's something. It's God-ordained okay, it's not something that we've seeked out, it's that God has placed on our hearts. That's completely different. Some people have to work really hard to be good at something and other times God says this is what you're going to do, so, so it's something that we've always been very passionate about. You know all the churches we've been at and like small groups and opportunities to serve marriage is something that we are very take very seriously, because we've walked through hell in our marriage at times.
Speaker 1:Um, but communication is it's key, because you could have two people that love each other and when you come to your marriage you, you know, come in marriage. You come with your baggage, right. You come with your suitcase of stuff of crap, okay, and maybe you like certain thing and your spouse like certain thing, but you don't communicate that you both like separate things. So maybe there's this, this weird, this weird give and take, but there's really. All it needs is a conversation. Oh, really, actually, I actually don't like that anymore. I actually prefer this? Oh, you really do. I do too, but you didn't know that because you never talked about it. Like so, many marriages fall apart because they just that one day they woke up and decided they weren't going to say I love you anymore.
Speaker 1:They woke up one day and they decided that I'm just not going to say hi to my spouse.
Speaker 2:Did they make the decision, or was it that you got so comfortable and in such a rut. You just forgot that your two ships passing each other.
Speaker 1:It's a lack of communication. You can never be too comfortable in your marriage to not communicate and you can never be too far gone and not communicate. Even Jesus, the night before he was taken right and he was crucified, he went into the garden. He did what with the father? He communicated with him Take this from me right Like he knew what he was about to do, but he still communicated with the father.
Speaker 2:Some of you married couples are saying take this from me.
Speaker 1:Take this cup.
Speaker 2:I cannot bear it, take this cup.
Speaker 1:You know, but I just if you're struggling right now, in this current season of your marriage, I feel like there's two parts to this. You have to be able to communicate, but you also have to be able to listen.
Speaker 2:That's part of communication, listen without response. Now, listening is part of communication.
Speaker 1:Yes, it is.
Speaker 2:You know in fact I forget what the statistic is. It's a really high statistic. You know, a very large percentage of our communication actually occurs through listening and physical response, not just the words that we say. So listening is really the equal half to communication, because if you're not listening to one another, then how can you possibly have empathy and understand where your spouse is coming from? I think it's so critical to be a good listener. I drop this ball all the time. I like to talk, so sometimes I'll get in that mode where it's like, man, I wish you'd be quiet now, cause I've got a thing to say, I have a rebuttal Right. But we all do that. We all have rebuttals right. We all have the I've got this thing that I'm going to say next, cause I think it's a good point. So we have to be careful with that, because we want to be heard, but we also need to make sure that we are listening well.
Speaker 1:We want to be heard, but we don't want to hurt the person in the process. That's a hundred percent, Yep.
Speaker 2:So, yep, so communication, boom yeah. Question one we solved all your marriages. Right now Just communicate.
Speaker 1:There it is, we're done. We're at 27 minutes. We're out of here. Long-winded crossments.
Speaker 2:Good Lord, at the gym for an hour listening to this, all right. Second question how can couples manage conflict in a way that leads to positive outcomes and strengthens the relationship? So how can we manage conflict? Now, no matter how well we communicate, we're going to have conflict here and there, right? I mean, that's going to seep into our marriages, it's going to seep into our relationships. What are some strategies, some things that we can do to manage that conflict?
Speaker 1:Well, first of all, you have to have self-control, self-control. Because if you got a couple of hotheads you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Now, words are being said that maybe you don't mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you know, and that, unfortunately, more times than not, is me I got a mouth and I need to lock it down, you know, and the scary part is, I don't even remember what scripture it is, but your mouth is like a gateway to your, to your heart, like, so what you say is what you feel, and that's like, oh, like usually, and usually we, we speak from a place of hurt, a lot of the times. And once you speak the words and they come out it's been done.
Speaker 2:So would you say that if that's you, if that's somebody who, when there's conflict, things get hot, things are heated, and you know that there's a point where you're going to react in a really negative way, you know is is?
Speaker 1:pulling yourself away for some moments.
Speaker 2:Like is that? Is that a hey? We need to stop right here. I need to take a moment before we can shelf this conversation.
Speaker 1:It's hard for me to really kind of speak into this Cause. We don't do this. Yeah for me to really kind of speak into this because we don't do this, yeah, we don't do this one, so so it's hard for me to speak on this question because we don't do that. Um, but I mean, what do you think? Let's let me turn the mic on you on this one. What are your thoughts on this? Because, to be honest with you, I'm hard.
Speaker 2:I'm having a hard time answering this question for me, you know, and this kind of for me rolls all the way back to question one, when we were talking about the way in which I process conflict.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't, I do not react quick to conflict. It takes moments for me to to resolve it in my head. So for me, you know, a timeout would, would be beneficial, just because that gives me the space, like you know, if I, if I like, like taking a walk, yeah, thinking about things for you, that yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, if I, if I go take a walk and I'm thinking about things, some conflictual things in my life, you know, I clear my head. 20 minutes later I'm I'm back to to, to square one. So I can, I can bring myself back in and center myself.
Speaker 1:So so okay, Now that I'm I have had a moment to kind of sit on this one. I could not. So so how I would have to handle conflict is if you, if you, walked away from me, I would feel abandoned. I would feel like something like this is not good because we've been together 16 years. So if we're having a conflict, we're going to squash it right then and there. And if it takes me three hours of running my suck while you process it and then you're ready to talk but you're not leaving my eyesight because I will not be okay, like I could not have that happen, like that's why we've been together for 16 years. You've never had to walk away because I just keep running my suck while you're processing. It makes me feel better because I'm over here. Words of affirmation Okay.
Speaker 2:So, so, but I would have to talk it out for a couple, for couples who maybe are are wired differently than you and I. I think you know, because again, everybody is built so different.
Speaker 1:You have to talk it through. You can't you? You, if you, if you got into a hot and hard conversation and it got it got heated, you probably. There's probably multiple things you could do. You need to have accountability, friends. You need to have a circle of people that are lined up around you, that are ready and willing. If you are, you're walking in a season of your marriage where it's just it's crap. You're struggling Like it's hard. You're having to get up and say yes every day and it's the hardest thing you've ever done to say yes to each other every day. Okay, and you know that something is going to trigger and something's going to happen. You need to have your people in Christ wrapped around and say, hey, would you be willing to be a mediator for us? If something goes down, can I call you? Will you be there for me? I mean, if it's that bad, maybe have the people there. You need to have your people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, and this is part of the conversation, because the question posed is how can couples manage conflict in a way that leads to positive outcomes and strengthens relationship? Mediation, counseling, small groups, shedding light on darkness all that, yeah, all of that leads to positive outcomes and will strengthen your relationship if you allow it to, if you set your pride aside and allow it to work.
Speaker 1:If you're, if you're walking in this season of marriage and it's just still struggling as it was like 10 years ago, then I'm going to have to kind of say to you, like maybe it's time to you start adding some new things into your marriage, some new ways to heal. There's nothing wrong with talking to somebody. Yeah, there's not right.
Speaker 2:No, it's not weakness at all.
Speaker 1:So and kudos to you for still sticking around right and still working on it and stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, kudos for for saying, hey, we need help, we need to bring somebody in, we need to have a conversation with the third party and make sure that it's a biblically sound person.
Speaker 1:That matters, by the way, like if you're, if you're in, if you're for jesus and you are walking your hand, hand in hand with the, with, with our creator, and then you're, if you're in, if you're for Jesus and you are walking your hand hand in hand with the, with the, with our creator, and then you're going to go to a secular like person to talk to about, like a therapist, about your marriage. Be very careful, because their viewpoint is not going to be what the Bible's is. Most likely they could be a great person, not saying that Beth is an't awesome, but joan, she's gonna open up scripture and joan's gonna read to you what the bible says in the situation you're walking through. Well, beth is like I'm getting paid either way and it's friday night we apologize.
Speaker 2:We apologize to all marriage counselors named beth who are listening.
Speaker 1:We're so sorry.
Speaker 2:It was just an example no, if you, if you go, if you go get marriage counseling and the counselor hands you some crystals to rub on your forehead, just run.
Speaker 1:Run fast for your mother Crystals will not fix your marriage, I promise. That's right.
Speaker 2:Okay, so positive outcomes. Listen, if you are in a position where you need help, you need to get help, and you and your spouse probably already recognize that you need help. But there's some pride in the way, there's some roadblocks in the way. Y'all need to come together and say, hey, I want to fix this. I don't want to live like this. Nobody wants to live in a home with whom they deem their enemy right. Nobody wants that we want. We want to be one with our wife. We don't want to live and view our spouse as opposition.
Speaker 1:So you're on the same team.
Speaker 2:How do you fix it?
Speaker 2:There's not defense and offense, like you're on the same team and sometimes you cannot fix that yourself and I know some of us are fixers and we're like I'm going to, I'm going to fix it, we can do it, we don't need help, I'm going to make it happen. Maybe you can't and it's okay to to to lead your spouse to a next level treatment, you know, like counseling or or whatever, but I think that's how you find positive outcomes in conflict is, I mean, most of us we resolve conflict, uh, in in a similar fashion. Right, and I'm going to fight or flight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, fight or flight. And then I'm going to encourage you also to pray with your spouse.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like maybe you guys can write down three strong suits of your marriage. This might be, this might take everything out of you to be able to do these things, but maybe you can write down three positive things about your marriage. It could have happened 25 years ago, it don't matter. Three positive things about your marriage and three things that you know need to change. And when I say that the three things that you know need to change, don't just point at your husband and say the things, cause let me tell you something, it takes two to tango Okay, and I'm, as I'm as at fault about things being done wrong that Johnny is. So three things that you need to work on like that and come to come together daily, at least once a day, and lay it before the father, like get on your knees together bedside and and pray and seek wisdom from the lord. Yeah, like pray, he's the ultimate doctor.
Speaker 2:So that's good, uh. Last question posed, and and I think that you we can speak to this because this was really the very beginning of our relationship pre-marriage. So maybe if you're somebody who is dating or you're married but you still are kind of in this situation, this might apply to you. But what advice would you give to couples who are struggling to maintain a strong connection in the face of long distance or other challenges? So to give you some context, um, when jessica and I first started dating literally like a few months after, uh, we started dating and we're official, going steady, all that, whatever, yeah, whatever you want call it, you crazy kids call it these days I was deployed overseas in the Army for 14 months.
Speaker 1:So, with very few breaks in between. So you left in February of 2009 and you went to Indiana for a six-week whatever, yeah, training, and then you came back for a week and then you left for Iraq until October Yep, and then you were home for leave for 10 days and then you went back until April 10th, yeah, and you came home, yeah, 2010. Yep yeah.
Speaker 2:So you know, our relationship did not grow how a normal relationship would grow.
Speaker 1:It was actually really good for us, coming from the sinful nature we were living in, so instead of actually exactly what God needed it to be instead of this physical relationship.
Speaker 2:You know, we're not there to be with one another in any way, so all we had were phone calls and webcam.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and man, it was it was hard, it was hard, hard. So there would be like 10 days that johnny would be out because he was on in like a transportation unit, like closing down bases over in kuwait is where he was stationed, and they'd go up all the way to turkey, um, and 10 days was the longest it would go where I didn't get to talk to him.
Speaker 1:And coming from a place before Johnny where I just kind of didn't really have a like. I had a couple of serious commitments before I met him, but it was a lot of partying. So a lot of bars, a lot of guys, a lot of chasing chasing the things you know. If you've lived without Jesus, you know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:The, the worldly things you think are going to fill your cup up, um. So when I met him, he was already different than any guy I'd ever dated. He actually cared about me like a really tremendous amount, um serious respect for me, um, and made me feel really special. He just made me feel really special and, granted, like I said, we weren't believers when we met, um, but the conversations that we had like I said, we weren't believers when we met, but the conversations that we had and I think it really kind of lined us up for the life we're living now, for the ministry that God's called us to.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But you have to communicate. That's all we had, Because you don't realize that when you're dating somebody, you can go to dinner piling food in your mouth, whatever.
Speaker 2:Go to a movie.
Speaker 1:Go to a movie for two hours sitting there with not saying a word, or then shoving some popcorn, hoping the guy doesn't chomp on his food like my husband does. But you don't realize that you have a lot of quiet moments in your relationship when you're in person, that you don't really have to talk, but with Johnny and I and there's a 12-hour difference, so that was crazy, or 10. It was 10. Yeah, but Johnny and I and there's a 12-hour difference, so that was crazy, or 10. It was 10. Yeah, but it was a lot of just intentional conversation and I remember we used to send emails to each other and we used to. I should find one. It's so sweet.
Speaker 1:We used to make up stories about our future, like our first Thanksgiving together, and he wrote a story one time about when you got pregnant after we got married and telling me how I'm going to tell him about it. Like these story, little sweet, little fairy tale stories about our future that we just wanted so badly to have and we didn't know if he were going to get that. He was deployed, he could have died. You know, we didn't know that. But yeah, long distance is hard. I'm going to be real with you If you can choose to have long distance or not have it.
Speaker 2:If there's a choice like, say, your spouse works at a state or he has to, leave, and that was my first thought with this question was spouse gone for business a lot or whatever?
Speaker 1:Can I just be real. There's going to be a lot of stumbling blocks for your husband, um, because men are physical creatures. They require physical intimacy more than women do. I'm just going to be honest, Um, so that's already something you're going to have to work through with your husband or whatever. I can only speak from my experience with you and like guys being overseas and stuff like that. But but also, is it worth? Is it worth doing it Like are are you, does your husband, or your wife is usually the husband, though that does traveling and oftentimes, oftentimes.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that it's not. It could be opposite. But does he have to work at a state or does he have to go? Like, is there not another opportunity? Like maybe he makes a lot of money and you guys are comfortable, but is the money worth that void of not having him home with you and your family or whatever? Like, can you trust God maybe to provide something else, cause that's hard.
Speaker 2:I think it's hard. I think you know cause, on one hand, if you're, if you're somebody and you're traveling a lot for work and things like that, and in a lot of respects that's like you know, that's a dream job, right Like you're. If you, if your company is paying for you to bounce around and travel, like you're making good money if you don't have a family now.
Speaker 2:Now, having gone through what we've gone through, I would not want to be in that position, no matter the money. That doesn't make me perfect, it just means that I've lived that. And it was one thing to be away from Jessica for that long earlier in our relationship, but to be away from the kids and all that, I couldn't do that again. So for those who are kind of struggling to keep a strong connection in the face of, like, a long distance relationship or a traveling relationship, uh, man, that's tough that's really hard, maybe, like, maybe some people are like pilots or flight attendants and that like also causes some division.
Speaker 1:Um, it's just really hard, guys. Like I mean, everybody's wired so differently and we all have the things that kind of keep us going, and um, and it's hard for kids too, like when johnny came home from deployment I was like you're done, like you're gonna have to quit, because I'm not raising a family. I'm not raising a family with you guys yeah you know he did 10 years in the military.
Speaker 1:he could have did 10 more and then he could have retired and be set, but got out of their plans. God said, I'm going to call you out of saving life, so now you're going to save souls.
Speaker 2:And there's far less people shooting at me now, which is good. Yeah, and this is a tough one, and I think this is the only one honestly with this question that I don't really have a definitive answer. Honestly, I think how you work through again, I think everything points to how you communicate, because you know if you're, if you're separate, often like you need to be able to communicate as much as you possibly can. It can't be like a quick phone call hi and goodbye from the hotel room, like I think that there needs to be something else in place well, I'm bringing and bringing kids into it.
Speaker 1:That's a whole nother level yeah like so many times, johnny and I will be walking through a season and I'm like I can handle this, we can handle this, but our kids can't. Yeah, because our kids are wired differently. They they need, they need mom and dad. They just do there's. There's so many times throughout the day where I'm like this isn't something I can do. Johnny, when he gets home he's going to have to do this. Yeah, because I can't answer that or I don't know how to handle that. You know. So if you are walking in a season where your spouse is having to leave for work, we're going to pray over that, because that's not an easy decision to make. Maybe you don't have a choice, maybe he has to. Yeah, um, and that's not easy. There's really no words we can say or magic potion we can tell you to do. Um, I would. My, my advice would be way out his options and sacrifice the finances for the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Sacrifice your comfort of your bigger house and get into something smaller so that your kids can have daddy home. That's just that's how I look at it. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Unless he's in the military, and then the government owns him and he gets back. Sorry about that. Then you have a choice. Sorry about that guys, it's hard.
Speaker 1:That was a tough one. I don't like that. I'll be honest, I could have done without that one. It was a tough one, man.
Speaker 2:Hey, you know what we have. To try to answer the tough questions.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But we don't have the answers for everything.
Speaker 1:That's just. This is all coming from our own point of view and we don't know everybody's story, so if you're walking into any of these questions and you're offended by what we're saying, I'm really sorry.
Speaker 2:Well, I'd love to hear from you too, like you know, if, if you disagree with what we're saying or had another thought, I'd love to know it because, again, I think that we can all learn from one another, and we don't know what we don't know, and so we, we can speak from our own life experience. We can't speak from yours, yeah, so, um, if that's the case, if that man, we have gone on and on and on.
Speaker 2:Sorry about that so we're going to wrap this bad boy up tonight. We're going to pray and get you guys out of here. So, heavenly Father, god, we just thank you. We thank you for this conversation. We thank you for anybody who listened to this this evening and got something out of it, anything out of it really to learn how to communicate.
Speaker 2:Or maybe, father, you put it on their hearts to take a next step, to be better about communicating, or to be better about conflict resolution, or to find positive outcomes in our relationships when we can and relationships are such a fragile thing but such a precious thing that you've given us. You've given us friendships and community and marriage. God, we thank you for that. We thank you for people. Help us to love one another well, whether that's our spouse or our kids or our neighbors or our friends. Father, just help us to reflect your light, your love, your goodness, your grace, your kindness, your mercy to all that we encounter.
Speaker 2:Father, we're just so grateful and again, father, we just pray over tonight's conversation that it reaches somebody in a mighty way, lord, that they can take big next steps in their marriage to resolve issues, to resolve conflict, to fix what's broken. Father, with your help, because you are our good physician, father. So as we invite you in to be the center of our relationships, lord, as we start to point towards you, we all start gravitating towards one another as we chase you. So, father, I just pray that for our marriages, that for all who are listening, for all who are married Lord, that they would find you and, in turn, find closeness in one another. Jesus, we love you. It's in your holy and precious name that we pray.
Speaker 1:Amen. And, as always, if you are not following the actual podcast of Confess the Mess, I'd love for you to hit the plus sign, give us a follow, leave us a review. It tells the streaming company that you're doing that you like us or you hate us or whatever, and always our email is listed below. Like y'all, let us pray for you. If you want it to be anonymous, that's fine too, but, like you know, we're here for you. Like. This is a ministry for us. This matters to us. You know this is something. We sacrifice our family time and we prioritize this podcast in our little sunroom, and that means the world to us. This is something that the Lord put in our hearts years ago and we're finally doing it. So let us be the hands and feet of Jesus the best that we can, but signing off as we head to the beach for a couple of days to visit some family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's go.
Speaker 1:Pray for my husband's German nose. It's going to get sunburned.
Speaker 2:Hey, watch it. I will put sunblock on this big bad boy.
Speaker 1:Y'all. One last thing Make sure you have fun in your marriage. Make sure you can laugh at each other.
Speaker 2:Have some fun. Not make fun, but have fun.
Speaker 1:Make fun of your husband and have fun. Okay, husbands.